


Carpe Natem

by HeichouTheTitan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: ... - Freeform, Alive Marco Bott, Anxiety Attacks, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Gay, Human!Jean, I love him, I should probably post some more helpful tags but why, Jean Is A Little Shit, M/M, Male/Male, Marco is Freckled Jesus, Marco is a Sweetheart, Marco is confused, Mhm yess, Needs More Dinosaurs!, Ok I should probably leave the tags before I do something weird, POV Marco Bott, Uncertainty, aot - Freeform, attack on titan - Freeform, darn it, i love gay, shifter!Marco, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform, snk, so so gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 00:45:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6589843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeichouTheTitan/pseuds/HeichouTheTitan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is hot. Like I’m burning, or having a very high fever. The right side of my body aches. I can’t move my arm. Someone is dragging me somewhere, and I open an eye to look who it is. </p>
<p>Reiner.</p>
<p>I can’t make the connection to why that scares me, but panic is flooding my system as something starts to steam around me. He startles, looking down at me with narrowed eyes. I blink. Everything hurts so badly. I want to scream, but something is wrong with me, I simply can’t. Then my broken legs hit something hard and pain as well as darkness engulfs me as I black out. </p>
<p>(Marco turns out to be a shifter and is not the slightest dead. You are welcome.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A girl cuts off my fingers

**Author's Note:**

> ”One wishes to acquaintance your facial features with a fundamental item used in building walls. Repeatedly.”- Marco Bodt if he would ever insult someone. 
> 
> Hey guys! I’m not dead :D Why am I not continuing my stories? (Please don’t start reading them they suck and I regret them so badly) Because I am a piece of trash who looses interest in writing a story once I’ve started it and get kind of a writers block that can last for months/forever… Sorry.
> 
> Is this going to be more than one chapter? Probably. Sometimes I go back to edit/write more to a fic when I’m bored, and, well, soon it’s summer vacation so I’ll probably be the most bored person alive for a few weeks… Nothing will be logical in this fic. I’m sorry.
> 
> Whelp, I better let you read now. And remember: Google the title (∴ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°∴)
> 
> (Psst! I do not own the song which is quoted within this text, nor the characters of the SnK universe. This is a non profit fanfiction)

”If our love

Is tragedy

Why are you my remedy?

 

If our love’s

Insanity

Why are you my clarity?”

\- Clarity, by Sam Tsui 

 

You know in a dream, when something is happening and you want to move, but you just can’t? Body numb, thoughts rabid. That you had a hole in your hand, or a million bleeding zits on your forehead, and you just didn’t care? That’s how I feel right now.

It feels like pain, pain every day. My brain knows I’m there, as well that I’m nothing, and this causes pain. The pain is growing in every cell of my body, like a disease that eats me from the inside out. Soon I’m only a shell, because there is nothing left on the inside. No heart, no thinking, no emotions. Just a skin that sits around all day hurting, not doing the slightest thing.

That’s how nothing feels.

I can see people, small, tiny people. I want to say hi, maybe even touch them, but their terrified faces stop me. I hear the sound of 3DMG flying through the air behind me, but I’m quick to put my hand over my neck. As I turn around, my facial expression changing into a smile, but this girl looks scared, absolutely terrified. I reach the unoccupied hand out towards her, but the only thing I can feel is searing pain as my fingers are cut off. 

A rumbling sound escapes my lips, and I stare at the steaming stumps in confusion. It hurts. Did she just cut my fingers off? They’re back in less than fifteen seconds, so I’m alright, but why would anyone cut my fingers off? I didn’t try to eat her like the others do…

Suddenly there’s a sound of something spinning towards my legs, and all I can see is a blur as my ankles are cut off. I’m falling forwards. My head hits the ground and my hand falls away from my neck. The smile falters. Then the world becomes cold.

As I lean back from the titan corpse I can hear several gasps. But I’m too tired to care. Every single cell in my body is screaming for rest, but I know that I can’t sleep yet. I have to meet them. I have to talk to them. Tell them I’m no threat. Maybe they will let me go?

Wishful thinking, I mentally scold myself, You know that will never happen! They won’t. They used Eren and they are going to use you. All your fears will become truth. Torturing, distrust, disgust. Everyone you love will hate you.

There’s a female voice by my ear that I’ve heard before.

”Marco?”

Uhh… Mikasa? Yes. Mikasa. I have to warn her.

”M-Mikasa listen… Annie… Bert… R-Reiner… they… I have to… w-warn you… don’t trust… the shifters… the colossal… armor…”

I struggle to form words, struggle to warn her, struggle to plead. A pitiful whimper escapes my lips as she cuts me out of the nerves still attached to my legs and hands.   
 ”They… they tried to… teeth, Mikasa… such big teeth… so scared…”

A face comes into view. A long, grumpy one, with a two-toned undercut. My eyes start to flutter shut with exhaustion, but I need to see him, get closer to him. I furrow my eyebrows as I try to form more words, but my tongue refuses to cooperate, my voice nowhere do be found. I can’t understand what he’s thinking, like a letter without text I can only look at him, dumbfounded. When did that happen to him…?

Then I drift into unconsciousness, mind screaming for answers and body screaming for sleep.


	2. Humanity's strongest is a grump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin, Levi and Eren is introduced! And Marco meets someone he's been longing for.
> 
> *-* Let the games begin!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *mumbles* sie sind das essen, wir sind die jaeger… 
> 
> Oh, hello! Welcome to the second chapter of Carpe natem. Let’s see if Marco can seize that ass, haha…
> 
> And yes, I updated early! :) Don't expect that in the future, though; I have a tendency of forgetting my deadlines.

_”Our names wont be remembered_

 

_If we die like trampled flowers_

 

_I refuse to be forgotten,_

 

_Written off as less than worthless._

 

 

_Scream and cry, but none will hear you_

 

_Plead and beg but none will help you,_

 

_You no longer live as cattle_

 

_Will you rise and join the battle?”_

 

Guren no Yumiya (English version), by Amanda Lee and Daniel Alvarez

 

 

 

_The bloodcurdling screams of people dying. That’s all I can hear. That, the stomping of giant feet and my own pulse in my ears. I am so frightened. I know these people. I trained with them, ate with them, laughed with them. And now they’re dying. Hell is what this is. Not a fight. Hell. The world crumbling around us as our truth about reality melts away like a sand castle on a rainy day._

 

_We’re only children._

 

_In another reality we would be safe in our homes, reading or drawing or knitting, maybe even have a dinner with our family or play cards with our friends. I could give anything for a world without titans. My own life, if that’s what it means for people not to die like this. We’re not free if we have to fight for the little land we have within these walls with our own lives._

 

_Titans. Traitors. Shifters._

 

_My 3D maneuver gear is gone. I’m laying on a roof crying, pleading for help I already know I won't receive. Annie’s eyes are filled with tears, Bertholdt is sweating even more than normal and Reiner looks absent, almost like it’s someone else doing his work. I claw at the clay tiles as a big, warm hand envelopes my body, lifting me up in the air like I weighted nothing. I scream. I kick. I plead._

_  
”Please…! We didn’t even get a chance to talk this over…!”_

 

_There’s a smacking sound behind me as the beast opens it’s mouth, and I turn around to look at the gigantic teeth in it. I whimper one last time before I hear a ”I’m so sorry Marco!” and all I can think is that I don’t want to die, I don’t want to, I’m so young, I have so much to live for, What about Jean-_

 

_Crimson paints my vision. I feel pain._

 

_Darkness._

 

_Then nothing._

 

I scream and sit straight up in the bed. My breath ragged and heart running like a thousand horses galloping inside my chest. I gag, the want to throw up so overwhelming… This is pure terror. My entire being is shaking as I stare my legs. 

 

I need something to calm down. Some tea would be great. Maybe some talking, or even a hug. I need Jean. No, not like that. I don’t want to hug Jean, or drink tea with him… Maybe just talking or being near. But… I feel my cheeks heat up at the thought of hugging Jean. Whelp, seems like only the thought ofhim made me calm down, except maybe for that slight stirring in my stomach and flutter in my chest. That’s not how you’re supposed to feel when you’re thinking about your best friend, I’ve overheard many guys saying just this thing about the girls they liked. But I’ve only felt that way about men. There must be something wrong with me.

 

As my thoughts proceed further away from the memories that stirred them awake I start to calm down, my breathing evening out and my pulse going back to normal. I smile a little at the thought of Jean’s smile, and suddenly I feel a lot better. Even if he’s not here in person, he always gets me in a better mood. 

 

When I think about it, where exactly am I?

 

I turn my head, looking around in the room. There’s three stone walls, then about twenty thick metal bars keeping me in here. A heavy wooden door with a lion head knob, almost like the ones in the interiors. I shuffle around a little and find myself laying in a pretty cozy bed, with two thick blankets thrown over my body. Beside the bed there’s a chair with some things on it; My pants, my reading glasses, fresh maneuver gear straps, my lucky charm (a piece of paper with a drawing of a dog, made by Jean) and a cup of water. I almost throw myself over the liquid, swallowing it down with audible gulping sounds as I try not to loose a single droplet of the valuable water. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was until I got the opportunity to have it. 

 

Chains are rattling around my wrists, but they’re loose and thin, probably just to serve the purpose of making people think they’re safe enough to come near me, so I don’t really mind. I miss the sun though. The days as a titan was a blur, but I was always awoken by the most beautiful sunshine shining over my freckled skin, gently awakening me with it’s warmth. Freedom in every step. But down here it’s cold, stony and hard. I’m restrained.

 

I’m glad someone had the heart to give me an extra blanket.

 

As I huddle in the rough wool cloth, lost in thought, three men walk in through the door with serious faces. One is tall, probably taller than me or Reiner (No one is taller than Bertholdt), with blond hair and really big eyebrows, while the other two are noticeably shorter. One has a brown mop of hair and teal eyes (I recognize him as Eren), and the other one has a raven undercut and narrowed silver eyes. 

 

I smile at them when I notice I’m not alone.

 

”Hello, sirs!”

 

They look a little taken aback by my cheeriness. Or well, Eren and the blond sir does. The angry looking guy just continues to look angry.

 

I furrow my brows in concern as they say nothing, just continuing to look at me. Suddenly the shortest of the tree turn to Eren, eyes narrowing just a little more as he see him.

 

”Brat, didn’t Kirschteins last report about cadet Bodt tell us that half his fucking body was gone?”

 

I feel my face drain of color, and the thoughts from before coming back. I feel slight panic as I think of the teeth grazing my skin, sinking deep into the flesh and then breaking the bones, the terrible crack and the pain-

 

I clear my throat.

 

”Well, it would be kind of hard for me to live without half the upper part of my body. And well, who doesn't enjoy being nibbled? Haha…”

 

Dear god I just spoke to a superior without being asked to do so… I’m so dead. 

 

I swallow, trying to suppress the bile that is rising in my throat at talking about it so casually. I want to cry.

 

”Name.”

 

”Marco Bodt, sir!”  


”Intentions?”

 

My smile disappears.

Intentions…? For what, exactly? 

 

”Excuse me, sir. Intentions towards what matter?”  


”Humanity, you dipshit.”

 

I blink. My intentions towards humanity? Huh? I thought the military was the ones creating shifters? I voice my concerns.

 

”Wait… Aren’t the shifters made by the government, from experiments and science?”

 

The man snorts.

 

”What year are you stuck in? Of course not. That have been public knowledge since Eren blocked that stupid hole.”

 

I blink again. And again. Then I turn to Eren, happiness in my movements and hope in my voice.

 

”Eren! Is that true?! My… My comrades didn’t die for nothing…?”

 

He nods. I take a deep breath and put my hand over my heart, saluting him with tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips. I’m speechless.

 

They didn’t die for nothing. They died for success. Humanity’s first strike back against the titans…!

 

”Thank you! Thank you so very much!”

 

The raven haired man has a surprised glint in his eyes.

 

”Did you seriously not know that? What rock have you been living under?”  


I shake my head.

 

”I don’t remember. One day I was being… Betrayed by people I called friends…”

My voice turns bitter, and I can see Eren getting more confused by the moment. The blond man looks interested, but it only shows i his eyes. These guys must be really great at poker.

 

”The next I just woke up in a forest with really big trees. There were titans huffing and groaning… Really annoying. I’m not really a morning person, you know. After… We’ll, it must’ve been a few months, I saw humans. And I thought they looked small, and cute. Almost like if you were made of porcelain and not flesh and bones, so I wanted to touch you to see if it was real. The rest you should know, if people in the scouting legion write reports.”

 

My hand over the eye I know I’ve lost before, and I sigh.

 

”And about humanity… I have always been on our side. I could give my own life up again and again, not matter how terrified I was, just so people wouldn't have to die such horrible deaths. So no one needs to cry because they can’t find them alive. So no one needs to have their ankles broken, feel their own flesh and bones being ripped from their body-” I put my hand over my mouth and stare down at my legs again. Panic surges though my body.

 

”S-so much blood… So much pain… Too much… Oh god, I don’t want to die, I’m too young to die, I have so much to live for, JEAN, oh god I need to find Jean, I need to help him, I must-”

 

The blond man walks up to me, a big, warm hand on my shoulder. I flinch.

 

”Marco, it’s okay. You don’t need to say anymore.”

 

I stare at the hand on my shoulder. My gaze turning cold, hatred and anger sparkling in the air around me. They’re ugly feelings, I know, but they took away an entire year from me. A entire year of my life that I will never get back. So many moments and memories with Jean. A change of fate. I’m seventeen now. Not sixteen. The thought of Jean leaving the safety of the walls to fight titans and maybe get hurt, maybe even die, makes me want to rip their heads from their bodies.

 

I’ve never hated anyone before.

 

”If they did anything to him… I’ll kill them. I’ll slice them open and watch their fear, watch their scared faces just like they watched me… ’I’m so sorry, Marco!’. Well you know what, Annie. No excuse in the world can save your petite little titan ass if he has as much as a scratch…!”  


I turn my gaze to the man before me. He looks a little taken aback by my hateful murmurs and angry gaze.

 

”Annie Leonhardt, Bertholdt Fubar and Reiner Braun, sir! They plan, or maybe has tried to do so already, to wipe out humanity and kill everyone! They are the colossal and the armored type, but for Leonhardt I don’t know what she’ll turn into! I overheard Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Fubar talking about breaking walls and an apparently crazy titan, who I later found put was Eren Jaeger. They wanted to make Eren join them, and when I walked in and asked them what they were conversing about they laughed it all off as a joke, sir! Later I encountered Annie Leonhardt hurt. But before I could do anything she steamed and regrew limbs just as a titan. When they found out I knew to much they encountered me on the roof top of a building, fighting me, stealing my 3D maneuver gear and then broke my ankles so I couldn’t walk. They only watched as a titan picked me up and… That’s all I can remember, sir. I’m sorry if the information is outdated.”

 

Itake a deep breath. Smiling.

 

”May I ask you sir, what your name is?”  


”Erwin Smith.”

 

I turn my gaze to the shorter one.

 

”And you, sir?”

 

”Tch. Levi Ackerman.”

 

I smile happily at them.

 

”I hope you’re going to tell me about what’s going to happen-”

 

”MARCO! Where the fuck are you?!”  


My head quickly whip around at the sound of someone running, their wonderful voice echoing through the cold rooms. That beautiful, grumpy voice of his. Jean.

 

”JEAN!”

 

I pull at the restraints, not caring about the wary looks the others cast me. I’m in ecstasy, Jeans voice ringing in my ears and making the entire world a better place. There’s huffing and a low ”god damn fucking door”, until he’s inside, fresh and fine. I stare.

 

Jean has grown several centimeters since I last saw him. Legs longer, more muscle. A jacket with the wings of freedom. Hi’s cheek more angled, but still the same messy undercut as he’s always had. Those wonderful amber eyes meet mine, and I smile even brighter.

 

I continue to look at him. How can one person be so beautiful, but at the same time have so many flaws and cracks? I want him to tell me. I want to listen to him again, hear his blunt words and sooth his anger. I want to compliment him, tell him about all the countless beautiful and useful things with him. Let him know that he is the must important person on this earth, and remind him over and over again so he never forgets. 

 

He takes a step forward. Eyes filled with hurt.

 

”M-Marco…?”

 

I blink. Is Jean hurt…? No, no. Jean shouldn’t be hurt! Why would he… 

 

Oh.

 

I wasn’t there for him. I wasn’t telling him it would be okay. I was probably the reason he didn’t go to the military police. I reach my hands out as far as I can, the smile leaving my lips as worry is taking over my features.

 

He needs me.

 

I reach out even more, and suddenly he is right there, arms slung around my neck and sobs racking his body. He looked so tough. But he’s the same cute, grumpy, awkward boy on the inside. A bit different, though. He knows as well as I do that this world is hell.

 

”There, there… It’s okay, Jean… I’m here. I’m not leaving. Okay?”

 

He sniffs.

 

”No, you’re n-not… I’ll slice you if you do, you piece of shit… I even joined the fucking scouting legion because I thought… Maybe… Fuck you, Marco…”

 

I lean into him. My arms wrapping around his body, pressing him closer against my chest.

 

”It’s okay, Jean… We’re best friends, aren’t we?” Oh god it actually hurt to say those words, ”Did you really think I would leave you all alone, with all your problems and no one to talk to? You wouldn’t last at all, horseface.”

 

”At least I don’t look like a kicked puppy…” Jean grumbles, patting my back in the ’bro you’re fine’ kind of way.

 

”Disgusting.”

 

I startle, snapping my eyes open and turn my head slowly to see the others. I can feel my face burning red as I see them looking at us. i forgot they were there. Jean just stiffens, but doesn’t even care to look at them. Eren raises an eyebrow at the flush on my cheeks. I avoid looking at his face completely after that.

  
I furrow my brows. ”Disgusting.” he said. Is… Is it really that wrong to like Jean? Did he see how much I like Jean? 

 

_Of course it’s wrong to like a man when you’re another man. It’s wrong. Unnatural_ , my thoughts tell me, _Why would anyone approve of such a thing? Your love is disgusting. Your thoughts are disgusting. What would Jean do if he really knew what you thought?_

 

My eyes widen, and I push Jean away from me, my eyes locking with his for a brief moment.

 

Hurts.

 

_Please don’t call me disgusting, Jean. It feel so good to have you back. Even better to have you near, in my arms. Close to my heart. It’s only beating for you, you know? I love you. I love you so very, very much. I thought that maybe you were lost to the titans, too. Maybe Annie and Bertholdt and Reiner hurt you. Maybe you made a fight with the wrong person. Maybe-_

 

I can’t loose Jean. I look at the others. I’m tired. I’m so, so very tired. But I love Jean. I have to do this to stay near. To be on the living side, just as he is.

 

”Is there anything I have to do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEHEHE


	3. Apparently I have scars on my face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a trial. A guy is a jerk and succeeds in getting on the military’s bad side. The usual. 
> 
> AND DON'T LOOK AT THE END NOTES!!!

_”Old,_

_But I’m not that old._

_Young,_

_But I’m not that bold._

_I don’t think the world is sold,_

_We’re just doing what we’re told”_

 

\- Counting Stars, by Alex Goot

 

 

 

A woman (Man? I’m not sure) and some of their subordinates are chatting away happily as I’m being taken to trial.

 

”Your name was Marco, right?! I’ll call you Marco. How does it feel being a titan?! I would love to know how some people can become titans when others can’t, it’s so interesting… I just want to do some basic research! Are you nervous? Just don’t transform in front of the judges, haha! Oh wait, that’s not funny. But still! Ah, here we go! Good luck, my friend!”  


They didn't even stop to breathe until we got to the door. Now they open it wide, pushes me inside and slams the big, heavy doors shut. I blink at the sudden, bright light shining through those big windows after almost a week of confinement in the dungeon. When the worst of the burning sensation is gone I can see the people.

 

Lines of people sitting in the big, luxurious hall of justice. I look at the people around me, mostly soldiers, but also people with great influence, like the priest and the owner of the steel factories. I smile. Then rifles are pointed at me, and I flinch in fear. The entire room smells like metal and inhospitality. I feel that I’m going to make some enemies today. I’m trying not to tremble as a gun is pointed towards the base of my neck, and I’m forced forward. The chains around my wrists are rattling as they tell me to kneel, and suddenly there’s a silver pole stuck down in the ground right behind me, locking me in place so I can’t escape. 

 

My smile is almost faltering as a loud, booming voice announces that this is the trial of my custody, about where I’m going and who will kill me if I step out of line. 

 

”I am judge Zackley.”

 

He proceeds to tell us that we have to tell truth, that I would live with the scouting legion and die with the military police.

 

I feel like throwing up.

 

”Your name is Marco Bodt, part of the 104th trainees corps and leader of the 19th squad, correct?”

 

I gulp and nod.

 

”Y-yes sir!”

 

”And you were reported missing, then dead in the fight of Trost?”

 

”I-I think so, sir!”

 

”Apparently your body was burned, much like the others. How could you escape?”

 

I shake my head.

 

”I-I don’t know, sir! I was… Bitten by a titan. Then I woke up in a forest in my titan form, sir! I was probably passed out and healing, sir. But that is just a p-personal theory…”

 

”Hm. Yes, the reports explain your damages, and the scars prove your theory.”

 

Scars? What scars?

 

”Now, then. What are your thoughts about humanity?”

 

My smile is gone now. I don’t know when I lost it, but having these many people staring at you like this is way too pressing.

 

”M-my intentions against humanity is none, sir! I only have intentions against the…” the word hurts in my mouth ”Titans, sir! I don’twant anyone to die such terrible deaths as my comrades, sir. No one deserves so much pain. They screamed for help, sir… And I could do nothing.”

 

It’s silent. Then an annoying, loud male voice says that it sounds like a made up story and that I should be killed anyway. 

 

My blood is boiling in my veins as I whip my head towards the stupid comment. More of the military is glaring at the man who said so, too. As I feel my left eye starting to steam slightly in anger I turn to the survey corp’s side, to the side where I know I will find Jean’s face. Hi’s grumpy face making my boiling blood calm. I sigh.

 

”Well, not everyone have met the titans. Thank god. You would’ve probably been dead if that happened.”

 

The man splutters something, clearly insulted, but is quickly silenced by the soldiers gazes. Snickers and coughs are heard all over the court hall. Zackley clears his throat.

 

”After that… Comment… We’ll move on. Is it true, Cadet Bodt, that you have been titan for the last year because of the Female type, Annie Leonhardt,colossal type, Bertholdt Fubar , and Armored type, Reiner Braun?”

 

I nod. My throat feels dry, but after all the times I have been rehearsing with Commander Smith I’m pretty sure I can do it. I just… I just have to retell my death.

 

”Yes, sir. I was fighting in the battle of Trost when I found two of my so called comrades talking about breaking walls and murder. They seemed serious, but when I revealed that I had heard them they regarded it as a joke. I found it distasteful, but believed them. These comrades were cadet Bertholt Fubar and cadet Reiner Braun. I’m not sure what their titles are now, but that was what they were called then. Later I got back to fighting until I encountered another cadet, Annie Leonhardt, fighting a titan and getting severe fractures on her leg. She succeed in killing the titan but couldn’t escape to safety on the roofs because of her damage. I went down to help her when I saw steam emerge from her wounds, sir, and they closed in an unnatural way that could only be described as ’titan powers’, the power of healing that only shifters and titans seem to possess. She noticed me and tried to talk me into not telling anyone, but I refused. That’s when…”

 

I try to swallow the lump that’s forming in my throat. I blink several times, that all too familiar feeling of tears stinging in my eyes.

  
”E-excuse me, sir… I have many blended emotions in that matter… But anyway. That’s when cadetFubar as well as cadet Braun came, telling her that I had to be gone. They… They fought me and succeeded in breaking my ankles, as well as stealing my 3D maneuver gear. They only watched as a titan came by and… P-picked me up. Cadet Leonhardt said something, sounding regretful and scared about something, but in my condition I couldn’t make out what she was saying. She seemed afraid, as well as Bertholdt. Reiner seemed indifferent to the matter…” I can feel tears trickling down my cheeks now. They feel hot, like they’re burning into my skin.

 

”T-the titan took a bite out of… my body. I lost an arm, half of my face as well as half of my chest. This should go well with the reports of my body’s condition. After that I passed out from pain and fear… Oh god… L-later I found myself in a titan body, outside wall Rose, walking around. My theory is that at least one of the shifters transported my body out there. Titans we’re drawn to me, but I often climbed trees to get away. I’m not sure how long I had been out there, I’m sorry, sir, but I found the people of the scouting legion who recognized me as a titan shifter by the way I covered my neck, the weak point of the titan body. I later emerged from the titan corpse and got transported here.”

 

The only sound that’s heard is the one of a pencil rasping against paper. Everyone is staring at me. I look up at the faces surrounding me, and they look absolutely horrified by my story. I bite my lip and swallow again. I search their faces until I find Erwin’s calm, blue eyes. Eren’s teal, furious ones. Levi’s cold, calculating gaze. Hanji is looking serious for once, and Jean.

 

Even though I tried to keep it professional I cried, and he saw right through it. Jean have known me since we were little. Since we rolled barrels on the street or stole cookies from his mother (I always apologized afterwards) and watched as the heroes of Humanity returned from their duties, broken and terror-stricken. He knows my dream of serving the king. He knows what I fear and what I love. He knows me better than anyone else.

 

He’s staring at me, amber eyes filled with sadness.

 

It feels weird.

 

”I see.”

 

Zackley say, voice booming through the quiet room, even startling some.

 

”Then we shall see… Who should take custody of Mr.Bodt?”

 

Immediately Erwin and Nile Dok starts to talk over my head, talking about the perks and the downsides, Dok suggesting that I could be dangerous, Erwin suggesting that I could help since I apparently have great control over my titan form (at least I didn’t try to kill anyone), and after a while I stop listening. I know it’s impolite. I really do. But last night I barely got any sleep, and I feel like I’ve been running miles. The adrenaline of meeting the higher ups is slowly deflating, and I’m starting to feel this weird, empty feeling I have nowadays.

 

I close my eyes.

 

”The scouting legion it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you not to look at the end notes (short chapter, sorry)


	4. Sasha triggers an anxiety attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HTT: Sasha YOU LITTLE SHIT I’LL SHOVE A POTATO DOWN YOUR THROAT
> 
> Sasha: *smiles and opens mouth* 
> 
> HTT: RAW POTATO DOWN YOUR BREATHING SYSTEM
> 
> Sasha: *shuts her mouth and pouts* I said sorry…
> 
> (I know that people are not at all this dismissive and happy in the anime/manga, but whAT EVER! And I also want to apologize if I described anxiety/panic attacks wrong, but I have never had one so...)

_”Take me back and we’ll start again,_

 

_The dream of back then, leaves no time to say-…_

 

_We lived so freely until today._

 

_With you by my side, we’d laugh and we’d cry ’til we said goodnight._

 

 

_Drink until the colors have faded,_

 

_See the sky has become shaded._

 

_If I fall I hope that you will reach for me,_

 

_All I’ve ever known, is loneliness inside me.”_

 

-Munou (English version), by AmyAnn, Spiral and Jefferz

 

 

 

Mikasa looks really mad when Erwin tells her she have to keep an eye on me so I won’t do anything rash. She tells him that she needs to be near Eren, that she needs to take care of him so he doesn’t die, but Erwin only waves it off. I feel bad for her. 

 

I tell her that when we’re left alone. A sigh.

 

”I’m sorry, Mikasa. I didn't mean for it to be like this. I just want to protect Jean…”

 

”Tch. Jean can go die in a hole.”

 

I growl at her, and she looks at me in surprise.

 

”I’ll slice you open if you even _look_ at him harshly, Mikasa. I won’t care that you’re my comrade and guardian. No one hurts Jean.”

 

”Eh… Yes…”

 

The smile gracing my lips now is fake, dangerous even. My eyes glisten fiercely. She freezes a little, and I know she feels the change in my aura. I lean back, chuckling.

 

”Don’t look so surprised that I have changed, okay? A year is a long time.”

 

A finger tracing the eyepatch that’s covering my left eye, the eye without any white. The eye that steams when I feel angry or embarrassed. It’s throbbing a little, but no steam is escaping the seams of the black leather yet.

 

”I just… Don’t want you saying those things.”

 

She nods stiffly.

 

”I see.”

 

I smile, a real smile this time. 

 

”Thanks! Do you know if I get to meet the others, or…?”

 

”I don’t see why not.”

 

She leads me through the corridors to a big door, and I can hear people talking and laughing behind it. She pushes it open.

 

”Hi, Mikasa! C’mon in! Have you seen-”

 

Connie stops himself and stares at us. Mostly at me. Sasha pauses with a piece of bread about to go into her mouth. Christa smiles and Ymir blinks like she’s seeing a titan with clothes (oh, well), and Armin is shutting and opening his mouth like a fish. 

 

”M-Marco?!” ,they say in unison, and I raise an eyebrow.

 

”You’re even worse than Jean! Not even a hello?”

 

Sasha quickly stuffs the bread into her mouth and then practically leaps over the table to give me a hug. I feel myself stiffen uncomfortably as she’s hugging me tight, her face teary but happy. I gulp.

 

”S-Sasha… Hi.”

 

”YOU’L ALIVE, MAFCO!”

 

I feel uncomfortable. So uncomfortable. Where’s Jean, and Eren and… Why is Sasha hugging me?! My eye starts to ache and I push her away, confusion and fear clearly evident on my face. 

 

”P-please don’t… Touch me… It’s nothing personal, I just…”

 

I’m shuddering, a hand nervously tugging at the hair at the back of my neck. I don’t want anyone to touch me. I’m scared of them, even if I know they’re nice. Jean is different. I want to touch him. I want to hug him and talk to him and maybe even… Steal a kiss? The mere thought of that makes my entire being burn in embarrassment. No, I can’t do that. Walls. He would kill me.

 

I advert my eyes from them, looking at Mikasa questioningly. She only looks back at me, emotionless.

 

As the door opens to reveal Jean and Eren, as well as Levi, I feel almost like crying. Jean furrows his brows as he sees my anxiety.

 

”Buddy, are you ok-”

 

A few long strides and I hug him tightly, hiding my face in his shoulder. He awkwardly pats my back and glares at Eren when he comments on how close we seem to be. I snort.

  
”Heh… I can barely face my own friends… And Eren, that’s not very nice to say.”

 

”It’s because of Reiner and those other dipshits. I can assure you these guys are not going to try and kill you. Maybe Ymir, if you touch Historia- Uh, I mean, she’s Christa to you. But she’s really Historia. She’s a shifter too, by the way.”

 

”Wha, Ymir or Chri- Historia?” I’m not questioning it. She must’ve had a reason to change her name.

 

”Ymir”

 

”Reiner tried to kill you?!”, Connie says. ”Like, I know he’s a big bully and stuff, but for real?!”

 

I let go of Jean, smiling as I turn to the bald, energetic boy behind me.

 

”’Big bully’? Wasn’t he like, the armored titan?” Jean has been filling me in.

 

Connie narrows his eyes at me, waving his hand in the air dismissingly.

 

”You’re getting off track!”

 

Jean cuts in, glancing at me, ”Hey Connie, don’t be such a fucking prick. Maybe its none of your business?”

 

I raise an eyebrow at him.

 

”Thank you, knight in shining armor. I think I can handle retelling a story. You’ve heard it like, two times now? I guess…”, I say, looking out over the people sitting in the room, ”That maybe they deserve to know why I was gone for a year.”

 

Ymir smirks slyly.

 

”You finally recognized your gay side and left to plan on how to kidnap Jean so you could claim his bony virgin ass?”

 

I blush.

 

”Y-Ymir! I wouldn’t… Why are you… Ymir! Can you not be so fucking blunt?!”

 

Connie gasps and Sasha almost chokes on the food she is currently stuffing into her mouth. Ymir’s smirk grows even wider.

 

”You swore, saint Marco? Someone intimidated, hmm?”

 

My friendly and flustered gaze turns fierce in less than a second.

 

”No, why would I?” I say, voice calm and collected.

 

Ymir blinks.

 

”Uh…”

 

What am I doing? What in the walls am I doing?! I move my hands to rub my temples, closing my eyes shut.

 

”Ahh, that was so mean. S-sorry, Ymir… I just… Oh god… Getting your head chewed in half makes a great deal with your personality, apparently-”

 

”Your head chewed in half?! Marco, what the fuck happened to you?!”

 

I turn to Connie again, spluttering something about Annie and Bertholdt and Reiner (Or, as I call them, The Titan Trio) and a roof, and Jean chimes in with a ”You really don’t need to”, and suddenly it’s me and Mikasa trying to keep Eren and Jean away from each other before they rip each other’s heads off while Ymir and Connie cheers them on. Levi is the one breaking the fight, and with a loud ”Tch!” the boys are sitting down and glaring at each other. 

 

I smile at them to cheer them up. Levi notices.

 

”Stop smiling, dipshit.”

 

I tilt my head questioningly. Jean and Ymir tries to conceal their chuckles. Levi glares at them.

  
”Spill.”

 

”Well”, Jean smirks, clearly amused by the captains irritation, ”this is Marco Bodt we’re talking about. He managed to smile through Shadis fucking lecture about why we wanted to be soldiers.”

 

I chuckle and take a sip from the sake (rice wine) that Connie gave me. Tastes bitter. 

 

”Where you got head butted because you said that you wanted to go to the interior just for the convenience? Oh, I remember…”

 

Jean gives me a dirty look.

 

”Everyone could see how fucking terrified you were, Bodt. Your eyes said ’dear lord help’ while your smile said ’please bully me master Shadis’.”

 

I choke on my drink. 

 

”J-Jean! That sounded so dirty, what the f… noodle?!”

 

Ymir starts to cackle, an arm slung around Historia’s shoulder. (Are they a thing now?)

 

”Noodle?! That’s more like our Freckled Jesus! How have you been?”  


I furrow my brows. 

 

”Uh… Well… I kind of died… ”

 

”Are you okay, Marco?” Historia asks before anyone else can process it, looking worried. I smile reassuringly at her. She’s a cinnamon roll. So pure.

 

”I’m okay now, I promise! But I would rather want to know how you guys have been!”

 

My nose is stinging, and my cheeriness feels forced. I don’t want to be here. I want to go back outside, walk around with the warm sunshine kissing my skin and climbing trees and- Well, everything except being forced and restrained and imprisoned. I can feel my eye heating up, puffs of steam rising into the air. The others looks at me, confused.

 

”Marco…? You’re… Steaming. Like Ymir or Eren do when they’re hurt…”

 

I smile meekly.

 

”Well, didn’t any of you know? I am a shifter after all. I thought it was obvious from what I’ve told you.”

 

Connie pauses with his drink halfway to his face. Then he slams it onto the table. I flinch.

 

”GOD DAMN IT. Is everyone in our training corps titan shifters?! First Eren, then Annie and those other shits, then Ymir and now _you_?! What the hell?!”  


Eren gives me a look.

 

”Yeah, how’d you become a shifter? I have memories about how I became one.”

 

The steam increases. I furrow my brows.

  
”I-I don’t know… It kind of just happened, I guess…?”

 

Suddenly Sasha leans over the table and snatches the eyepatch from my head. I blink in momentary confusion, then quickly covers my eye. Erwin, Levi, Eren and Jean have already seen it, but the others haven’t; The completely brown eye with a big pupil in the middle. Like a titan’s eye. What if they find it scary? What if they start to hate me? I can’t handle that. I don’t want to be hated.

 

Sasha tilts her head.

  
”I think I saw a eye in there! Why are you wearing an eyepatch if you have a eye?”  


I reach a hand out to get the black leather strap, but she quickly leans back, out of my reach. I glare at her.

  
”This isn’t funny, Sasha! Give it back!”

 

”Nope!” She says, popping at the p. More steam evaporates from my eye, and Jean leans in to protect me.

 

”Sash, just give it back! Geez, what are you, five?”  


Ymir looks at me.

  
”Hey, I want to know, too.”

 

”And me”, Connie says.

 

”Me too!” Historia whispers excitedly, and Armin nods along. Mikasa’s eyes gleam with interest. I’m just staring into the table with my good eye. The steam is starting to settle, but I still feel uneasy. I feel myself go cold and unwilling.

  
”No. Give me my eyepatch.”

 

”Nope!”  


I feel my fingers digging into the wooden table, knuckles going white with the force. I don’t want to show it to them. I don’t want to! I have to… I can’t handle this.

 

I used to be a social butterfly, right? I used to be happy and cheery, no matter what happened. I didn’t need to force my smiles. I didn’t need to act, nor lie. I had friends who could tease me, and I did my best to tease them back. Now my courage is gone, and whenever I talk to people I feel hot and sweaty. Like I am caught stealing something or lying. It feels… wrong.

 

And now this. Sasha’s trying to force me to show my eye, even though I don’t want to. I feel how my breath goes shallow and scared, and panic is flooding my system even though I’m just sitting here. It feels like someone is squishing my lungs, putting me in a corner I cannot escape from.

 

”P-please…”

 

Sasha blinks at me, looking almost scared, and suddenly Jean jumps for the eyepatch, snapping it out of her hands. When he hands it over to me I’m still shaking, but I manage to whisper a silent ’thank you’. I quickly strap it on, staring into the table and waiting for a queue to go. Anything, anything at all… Please.

 

”Marco? Are you feeling unwell?”

 

I flinch at the sound, then manages to give Armin a weak smile. I try to snap myself out of it.

 

”Y-yeah… I… I’m sorry… I’ve had a rough time, is all. Please continue having your conversations.”

 

Armin gives me a knowing look. 

 

”Tell us. We’re your squad, after all.”

 

What? Why would I tell my friends stories that would obviously trouble them? That is not how to make people happy. I need to be nice, make people happy. I want them to be happy. Happiness is the key to success. Happiness is vital. I can’t trouble them.

 

So I shake my head, shrugging. 

 

”It’s okay, really. I just freaked out for a moment…Okay?”

 

I smile at them, hoping they won’t see through my disguise. Hoping they won’t ever feel a titan’s teeth sinking through their flesh, ripping them apart. Hoping they won't feel any more betrayals.

 

”How have you been?”

 

The empty feeling is replaced for a moment as I hear the astonishing stories of what my friends have been through. Armin’s eyes doesn’t leave me for even a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mrrrccuuu y u do dis (Oh gods that actually hurt to type)
> 
> No but seriously Marco needs to start expressing himself… I want a selfish Marco. A not-so-much-of-a-saint Marco. More sassy Ymir. Yes. And maybe some gay sex scenes.
> 
> You can never have too much gay sex scenes.


	5. I am almost-cellmates with Eren Jaeger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMALL SPOILERS. Sorry if you haven’t read the manga yet, but I think you can live through it? Please? For me…?
> 
> *silence*
> 
> For the fic, then?
> 
> *a few nods*
> 
> I feel very important…

_”I’m feeling better,_

 

_Ever since you know’ me_

 

_I was a lonely soul_

 

_But that’s the only_

 

 

_A little wiser now,_

 

_’About to show me,_

 

_Yeah_

 

_I feel again._ _ x2 _ _”_

Feel Again, by One Republic 

 

 

 

I’m staring at the reflection in the mirror that’s in my hands. 

 

This is me. A boyish face with soft features and a splatter of freckles. Brown hair, brown eyes, even though one eye had a bigger pupil and is completely without white. Half of my face having a trace as if someone really big gently nibbled my face and left one of those temporary marks. 

 

I shrug at the thought. It’s not so far from the truth, actually. 

 

It feels weird that this much have happened in less than a year. Christa- I mean Historia, became queen and made sure that every orphaned and homeless underground-kid got a place at an orphanage. Ymir revealed that she’d been a titan for about sixty years. There was more stories, but the most mortifying story was probably that Eren had eaten his father to gain his abilities, and Ymir had eaten a little boy. The table was quiet quite some time after that one. Does that mean that I ate someone, too? I tried not to dwell on it.

 

I had reluctantly told them about what had happened. Jean glared at Eren when he asked how’d it had felt when I was healing. I waved off his attempts to kill the boy, saying that it was fine.

 

”Nothing. I felt like nothing. Half of my brain was gone, but somehow I transformed my consciousness into my body, making me focus on healing. But I felt kind of empty, to be honest…”

 

”Like a bowl?”

 

Everyone glared at Connie’s head after the statement, but I only shrugged and told them it was okay.

 

That was about the time when Levi had ordered us to bed. 

 

I’m dragged out of my thoughts by some rustling sounds in the cell next to me, and soon enough I can see Eren’s tired face as he peers over at me through the bars. I grimace, but I keep the light on. Did he wake up from a bad dream? That’s the reason that I’m awake. 

 

I smile at him.  
  
”A bad dream?”

 

He nods, rubbing his eyes tiredly. My smile fade, and I put the mirror back down on the nightstand on the side of the bed.

 

”Wanna talk about it? I’m not much for sleeping right now either, to be honest.”

 

Eren blinks, his big, teal eyes shining in the light of the stone. I pull my legs to my chest, closing my eyes and waiting for an answer.  


”Uh… No…? It’s not really… Nightmare stuff or anything.”

 

I grimace, opening my left eye to look at him.

 

”Is it about someone special?”

 

Immediately I see how Eren’s cheeks go completely red, and he furrows his brows as he looks over at me.

 

”How’d you know that?”  


”Hey, I didn’t get murdered because I was bad at perception!” I smile at him, opening the right eye too. It doesn’t really matter, Eren have already seen it. 

  
”Maybe you would feel better if you told someone.”

 

Eren’s eyes widen in disbelief.

 

”Are you seriously telling me to talk to a dude about a problem with a dude?”

 

”The corporal?”

 

At first Eren looks like he’s about to argue, then he slumps his shoulders and nod.

 

”Y-yeah… I don’t know… We did a thing… And now he won’t even talk to me…”

 

I tilt my head questioningly. 

 

”Thing?”

 

Eren looks like he’s about to burst.

 

”Uh… Well…” he says in a tiny voice, and suddenly I understand. My eyes widen in realization.

 

Oh. OH. This is not a simple crush or something like that. This is a lover’s quarrel. Between two men. Can that really happen? I blush and curse myself for getting involved, but at the same time it might do some good. Eren need to sleep if he’s supposed to go through all those tests. If dreams and thoughts are keeping him up something might go wrong. And I don’t want my friend to hurt, not physically nor emotionally.

 

”Hm…What if he wants you to talk to him first? Maybe you did something wrong without knowing it?”

 

”He’s not a girl, Marco.”

 

I furrow my eyebrows at the statement, looking at Eren in disbelief. 

 

”I didn’t think you were someone who thought different of girls and boys? Have you seen Ymir, Sasha and Mikasa? They would tell right away if something was wrong. I would probably keep it to myself. Armin too, at least for a while. There’s some differences between how boys and girls think, yes, but that is because women often mature before men does. Adults don’t just blurt out the first thing that comes to their minds. Adults wait for the other person to realize what’s wrong. The captain is an adult. And to be honest, I think that Captain Levi would be perfectly good at holding grudges. Just ask him what’s wrong.”

 

A sigh leaves my lips as I lean back against the pillow. The muttering about ”Jean could use that advice, too” does not go unnoticed however, as Eren raises an eyebrow in my direction. 

 

”So you do like Jean. I didn’t know you were into fucking animals. ”

 

I sit up to glare at the boy at the other side of the bars.

 

”Do not! And Jean is not a horse, don’t say mean things!”  


”Touchy, touchy… But whatever, I’ll let you off the hook this time. Do you want to… I don’t know, talk about your dream? I have some experience in that area.”

 

The color drains from my cheeks, and I can feel my heartbeat going faster again. One hand reaching up to touch the right side of my face, tracing the slight scarring that the titan’s teeth left on my skin. It hurts. Not physically, but emotionally. Like if someone is stabbing the flesh of my cheeks, gouging out the wrong-colored eyeball and crushing the bone of my skull over and over again.

 

This world is sick.

 

”N-no… It’s okay…” I curse my voice for breaking, and I close my eyes just to see the scene replaying in my head, again and again. Annie’s words. Reiner and Bertholdt’s faces. Did they really want to kill me? Did they really want me to die? They said something about families… Maybe they were forced to kill people. Maybe their families were held hostage somewhere. 

 

But who could be evil enough to force teenagers to kill other human beings? 

 

I’m starting to get a headache, just as I usually do when I think too much about some things nowadays. Yes. I am just overthinking this. Those guys are evil. They’re the reason that many people have lost their lives. _Murderers. Shifters. Evil._

 

However much I try to convince myself that that is the case, I always end up blaming someone else, an invisible force or person. Someone that does not exist. Or do they? The others told me nothing about the traitors’ fate or who they worked for.

 

I grunt and pull the blanket up to cover my body as I lay down to rest. I turn to blow out the lantern until I remember that this is a titan’s stone. I cover it with a handkerchief instead, satisfied as the light dulls. It’s an amazing invention.

 

”Good night, Eren. I hope it’ll go well with Levi.”

 

”Night, Marco. Sleep well.”

 

I shrug and close my eyes, mentally bracing myself for the next nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crawls out from whatever hell pit I came from*
> 
> Hello, dear readers! Eren’s and Levi’s relationship is now revealed. :) And if you wonder why Marco lies about his feelings for Jean and think that Male/Male relationships are no good; Marco’s father disowned him for being gay, and wouldn’t call him his son unless he ’became straight again’. (Got this idea from another fic where both Jean and Marco got kicked out of their houses I think? Sorry that I make the main character suffer more than he needs to ~_~ Especially when he is such an angel…)
> 
> I am also sorry that there is like none interaction between Marco and Jean so far, but I hope that you’ll be patient with me! Wait for the next chapter, please?


	6. Crystal break (instead of jail break, get it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHE TOLD ME HER NAME WAS BILLIE JEAN, AS SHE CAUSED A SCENE, AH! WHEN EVERY HEAD TURNED WITH EYES THAT DREAMED OF- Oh hey, I’m just… Uhm… Not at all having an epic sing-alone-karaoke moment over one of my favorite artists of all time… Not at all…
> 
> Don’t judge me. I’m trash.
> 
> Thank you guys for all the positive comments :3 You’re what is keeping this story going.

_”Annie are you OK?_

 

_So, Annie are you OK,_

 

_Are you OK Annie?_

 

 

_You’ve been hit by,_

 

_you’ve been struck by_

 

_A smooth criminal!”_

Smooth Criminal, by Michael Jackson (Every time I listen to this song I start to think about Annie… This anime/manga has ruined me, I swear.)

 

 

 

She didn’t really understand what was going on right now. All she could do was relive her memories over and over again, thinking differently, plotting plans. Everything was a blur, and she didn’t know anything of the outer world.The only thing she was certain of; She had failed her mission.

 

Something was off. Someone, or something, had changed the direction the planet was spinning in, twisting their plans and making the world scream in uproar. 

 

_It must’ve been hard_ , she thought tiredly, _To make all of our plans disperse like this. I wonder who it was? Eren? Mikasa? Armin?_ She was entirely unaware of her wrongness.

 

At the thought of the black haired woman and the blond boy she felt her heart ache a little in her chest. She remembered them. Mikasa, her equal in fight. Armin, her equal in mentality. None of them would waver in their loyalty like she had. None of them would betray the others to stand by her side. And it hurt to know that. Hurt to know that she was the one who caused them all so much pain. That she was the one who planted these seeds of anger and hatred and uncertainty in their hearts. Who is an ally? Who is a traitor? 

 

It felt awful.

 

” _It is time_ ” a voice suddenly whispered in her head, interrupting her inner, depressing monologue. She was almost happy for the distraction.

 

” _You must now leave. Follow plan B._ ”

 

Immediately she asked the cocoon she’d made for herself to shatter, to free her, and when the blonde woman finally felt the stale air touch her skin again after almost a year of confinement, she smiled.

 

The guards had no time to scream, no time to run or even try to defend themselves before they were bloody pulps on the ground. Her smile disappeared as quickly as it had come to her, and she looked around the dusty room with bored, ice blue eyes. As she saw nothing in particular, she swiftly made her way out of the room, hands deep in the pockets of her pants and face stern, pale skin splattered with blood.

 

Annie was back.

 

 

 

An unholy screech penetrates the air, waking me from that awful, terrible nightmare. A sob racks my body, and the shrill sound ends. 

 

Was that me? 

 

There’s hasty movements on the other side of the bars, the bald boy that guarded me last night getting to his feet an looking around himself as if someone is attacking him. And well, it might as well be. I whine, pressing my eyes shut as I feel the titan eye roll anxiously in it’s socket. 

 

”What the- Marco?! Are you okay?!”

 

My heart is like a galloping horse in my chest, one thud, another, another. I ignore Connie’s worried words for a moment, a hand clutching at my shirt. I can feel it. Thud. Thud. Thud.

 

It is the only thing that assures me that I am still alive, and I don’t like it.

 

”Hey, Marco? Are you alright?”

 

I look up to see Eren’s teal eyes looking at me worriedly, almost like I could lash out at him at any moment. I take a few calming breaths before smiling reassuringly, knowing I’m failing when he furrows his brows.

  
”What-”  
  
”It’s okay. Just a dream. Or… at least I hope so…”

 

The other two boys share a look, and Eren sit down at the bed, almost like he’s making ready for a story time. I look at him skeptically. He gives me a smirk.

  
”So. Someone helped me last night. Now tell us.”

 

”Yeah, tell us!” Connie exclaims, looking a little confused as he doesn’t know what we are talking about. I give them a genuine smile this time, even if it is a little meek. 

 

”It’s fine, really. It was just a dream. Nothing to worry about.” Lots to worry about. Lots.

 

I push that thought to the back of my mind.  


There’s a sound of footsteps stomping down the stairs, and then the door to the dungeons slam open. A ruffled-looking Historia bursts into the room, her blond hair a mess and the baby blue eyes wide with shock and fear. I quickly get out of my bed, then back in again when I notice my lack of pants, and I turn to the others as if to question if they know anything. By the blank looks on their faces, I understand that they know no more than I do.

 

Historia catches her breath, her blue eyes going to me.

  
”Annie escaped her confinements.”

 

I feel the blood drain from my face, and I clutch my blanket in my hand until the knuckles go white with force. Eren gets up immediately, Connie right after, and they start to talk all over each other. I knit my eyebrows together, a few shallow breaths escaping my throat. I swallow hard, throwing my blanket to the side without a second thought about Historia’s announcement.

 

”Marco?”

 

I pull on my pants, then walk over to inspect my 3DMG straps. When I find no faults I step into the already body-fitted leather straps, fastening the clasps and finally reaching over to get the jacket that is strewn over a chair. I put it on, slowly patting the front pocket with the emblem of the wings of freedom. I get my eyepatch and fasten it. Then I turn to face them, expression grim.

 

”Where can I get a three dimensional maneuver gear set? My old one got stolen.”

  
”Marco”, Eren starts, furrowing his brow, ”what are you talking about?”

 

I feel weird. Pumped, angry, but yet so, so terrified. I want to hurt her. And I also want to hug her. Am I the only one getting that she was forced to do this? Am I the only one getting that she was hurt by this? She was forced from her home to go and kill people she was told her entire life was evil, and she did it. How could she know? A mission. She killed me, and I resent her for that. But she is only a child. We all are.

 

Sometimes I forget that we are only sixteen years old.

 

”The mission. They had a mission. They were forced to do this, they didn’t have a choice, they… They were only children, set out on a mission that was supposed to make them the greatest heroes of all time, but only succeeded in becoming traitors. Lies. It was all lies. She’s going for plan B, she’s-”

 

I look at my friends, eyes widening as I realize what Plan B must be.

  
”She’s going to eat Eren.”

 

There’s a loud thud outside the cell bars, and I whip my head around just in time to find those special, honeyed amber eyes staring back at me in shock. Jean’s face shows nothing but betrayal, and then he swiftly turns around and walks up the stairs, the two toned hair nothing more but a blur as he escapes the basement. I can feel my heart clenching at the expression he’d wore on his face just moments ago. Why would he look at me like that?

 

My friends make sounds of surprise, turning my attention back to them, and I can see the suspicion rising in their eyes. The realization of what my words may imply hits me like a bag of bricks.

 

…Heck, that’s not what I meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi: Who’s a terrible author? Yeah, who’s a sadist, evil author who put cliffhangers every-fucking-where and doesn’t write longer chapters about actual Jeanmarco like he promises?
> 
> HTT: *wags tail*
> 
> Levi: What the fuck
> 
> And as you see, Marco-boo can’t swear. Maybe he’ll cuss some later who knows ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)


	7. Not as it seems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa, it's been a while since I updated this... Sorry guys.

  


_”In my hands I am carrying here_

_A loaded rifle, on it I wrote your name_

_Locked and loaded I’m heading your way,_

_and from where I can see you_

_Shiver and shake!_

_  
_

_Tick tack counting down the clock_

_  
_

_I said they ripped and spurred through my flustered heart_

_  
_

_Tick tack counting down the clock_

_  
_

_And they just go on and on with no sign to stop”_

-Goya Wa Machiawase (English version), by Natewantstobattle

  


  


  


Before the others can say anything, I run for the stairs. I can explain myself later, I can apologize, they will understand, right? But right now I got to see Jean. I got to explain myself to him. I got to touch him, talk to him, get him to understand me. He can’t think that I’m one of them, right? 

No, the look on his face said otherwise. _Stop lying to yourself, Bodt_ , I mentally chide myself, _You’re not a child. Bad things can actually happen, no matter how much hope you can muster._

But I don’t want him to hate me. I don’t want him to distrust me. He’s the most important person in my life, and I want to keep him, if not as my lover, then as my friend. _Be close to him_ , I tell myself. _Don’t make him hate you._

I rush to the first floor, and I’m looking around, frantically trying to get a sight of him. That hay colored, ash brown undercut and that long, yet perfectly proportioned face and that grumpy expression and- I know he’s got many faults, but so do I. I can only love him for what he is. And, of course, highlight the good things. 

There’s a corridor. At one end, it’s guards. At the other there is also guards. 

Oh, and lets not forget the three, shouting soldiers that are currently running up the stairs, one of them who is the Queen of the three Walls, a woman I have sworn to protect. And they are all very angry with me, since they think I am a traitor and a murderer. I stop altogether.

My breath in hitching in my throat by the time Eren, Connie and Historia have gotten on the same level as I am, I can hear them behind me, so I know they are… But I can’t turn around. Unseeingly I stare at the wall in front of me, chest aching and body trembling.

  
”I-I didn’t mean it like that… Jean… I…”

Where is he? Where on earth is he? 

———

Annie had never tasted real freedom. Always a soldier, no, a warrior, on a mission to destroy and kill to save her loved ones. 

She hated it, every inch and wrinkle of her life, and yet she knew nothing else. She had to do this- They had her father and little brother. Annie wondered what they looked like, now. The last thing she could remember about any of them was tears and two pair of equally ice blue eyes looking at her with hope, with trust that she would make everything better. She hoped Zeke hadn’t reported her as a traitor. 

She hoped that he understood. 

Ice cold, blue eyes surveyed the area, fingers moving on the triggers and muscles dancing in the air as she launched herself forward, hooks always finding new creases to fasten themselves into. Hope was for children, for losers and weaklings. She was none of those things; She couldn’t be. Her family’s lives were on the line.  


One misstep, and they would be nothing but mindless, carnivorous beasts.

_What about your friends?_ her conscious asked her, _What about Armin?_

’ _Lies._ ’ She told it. ’ _Schemes and lies and gullible people. I don’t need them. I never did. I wouldn’t cry for them. I wouldn’t die for them. It’s all an act._ ’

_What about Marco?_ it insisted, _Didn’t you cry for him?_

The grapple-hook missed and slid. The blonde acted fast, quickly retracting it and making it fly off somewhere else. If she continued at this pace, she would run out of gas before she got to her destination. 

’ _His death was unnecessary. He even agreed to keep hid mouth shut about it, and yet…_ ’

She made a frustrated sound in the back of her throat, eyes narrowing at her own thoughts. 

_You regret it._

A lump formed in her throat. She thought of those hopeful, brown eyes. Eyes that always were so kind, happy and worried at the same time, eyes that actually saw her as a person, not just another soldier to compete against, not a threat to a mission she didn’t even remember the reason for anymore: A person. 

Marco had been one of her first friends.

And she stomped on that hope, on that trust. _She_ took his equipment from his hips, _she_ fled to safety, _she_ did nothing but watch as he was picked up, killed, bit in half _like a piece of bread_. 

Were they really that to her? Pieces of bread? Only sufficient to keep for a while, then to kill to gain energy and life herself? Bile rose in her throat. 

Of course not. 

But there was no going back. They weren’t going to be blissfully unaware of her plans anymore. They weren’t going to be blind to the fact that she was a monster. 

She blinked a few times, eyes stinging. Then she sneered.

When was she going to learn? They were Ymir’s people, lower than scum, not even worthy of the fleas in her clothes! She was going to see Bertholdt and Reiner again, she would do her job, and then she would go home to her family, away from these cursed walls, twice cursed food and trice cursed people. 

She was supposed to hate them.

The blonde hair was messy, golden strands whipping around her face as the already loosened bun let go of a few more. Tears ran down her cheeks only to be dried by the wind seconds later.

Yes, she was supposed to hate them, to despise them, but she just couldn’t bring herself to it.

  


The world wasn’t fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, you now have my (untrustworthy) word that the next chapter WILL be about Jean and Marco!


	8. Ymir punches hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SHIT GOES DOWN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's too damn hard to try an' stick to canon when our LOVELY WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUCKYOUISAYAMA mangaka KILLS everyone as he please. :) :) :) 
> 
> [I actually adore Isayama, but I think I'm entitled to a little scolding when he killed my sweaty baby giraffe-turtle ;–;]

_"I do not wish the death of any living thing,_

 

_I might be a killer but one day I shall be queen!_

 

_And put an end to slaughter, but until then I'm keen_

 

_On staking claim to land and sea and everyfin between."_

 

\- Ugly Story, by PhemieC

 

 

 

A hand on my shoulder, harsh and forceful.

"What the fuck did that mean, Marco?!"

I stare at the wall. Jean's gone. Gone, gone, gone, gone. My fingers clutch the left pocket in my jacket, the one right above my heart. I can hear the sound of paper wrinkling and creasing between my fingers, and somehow the sound soothes me a little. It's not too bad. He'll only be gone for a small while, right? He's Jean. He always comes back.

"Right?"

"What? Marco, talk to us!"

I blink, turning my gaze down towards the blonde girl who is currently shaking me. I blink again.

"Historia?"

She breathes out, letting go of my shoulders and smiling weakly. I smile back, more for smiling than anything. It strains my cheeks. Then my expression fall. Oh, right. They think I'm a traitor. One of them.

"It came out wrong." I whisper, eyes stinging and burning. "And now he's running away from me."

"Marco." She says quietly, blue eyes wide with worry and care. "Can you please tell us what's wrong? I promise that we wont do anything if you just tell us what you meant. Jean will understand, I'm sure."

My smile twists, a sneer on my lips instead of a show of happiness.

"He's narrow-minded, Historia. Everyone knows that. If he's set on thinking I'm a monster, then I goddamn am one." I turn my gaze down to my feet. "And there's nothing saying that I'm... That I'm one of you. You have all the right in the world to think that I'm a monster, because I am one. They... They were brainwashed. They're warriors, machines. Their only purpose is to kill you, to... You're eldians, Historia. I don't even know how I know that, but eldians are bad. And... I'm one of you... But I'm also one of them."

I turn my gaze back to her, then I look at the other two. They're staring at me, which they seem to do a lot lately, Connie with fear and Eren with anger. I narrow my eyes.

"Do you seriously think I would follow people who killed me for realizing a simple secret?!" I snap, anger and hatred bubbling over. "I even tried to bargain with them, like I was the one in the wrong! I always follow, always listen, always care! I'm very tired of it. So, so goddamn tired. I hate you" a finger in Connie's chest, my entire body trembling with anger, "because you're so stupid -No, listen to me now- You're so stupid that you can be carefree, happy, easygoing! You don't have to worry about jackshit, you don't have to hide, to wonder, to try and puzzle everyone else's lives together just because you started to like it and then had to continue even though you lost interest." I almost laugh at the frightened expression in Connie's face, but stop myself. They would think I had gone of the deep end.

Maybe I have?

Instead I turn to Eren.

"And you! 'Jaeger did that', 'Jaeger always', 'Jaeger is such a bitch'. Do you even know how jealous I am of you?! I was at his side for years, Jaeger, and yet everything he could talk about was you! You and your stupid, silly pranks and absolutely unnecessary comments! You're nothing more than a child!"

An angry sound escapes my throat, too far into the anger to form actual, coherent words, and I turn, scowling down at Historia's surprised expression.

"I'll be leaving now, your majesty. Try to stop me."

I shove my way past them, walking in a direction Jean could have gone to. I need to stop him, need to explain, need to make sure he knows I would never choose villainy over a life in peace inside the walls. An arm reaches out and grabs my shoulder, the grip deathly firm and nails digging into my skin through the fabric.

"Where ya think yer goin', Bodt?" she asks.

I still, anger still bristling under the surface.

"Somewhere else, Ymir."

"Wouldn't ye rather apologize to this lovely lady ovah here who you accidentally bumped n' stuff?"

Her tone is laced with threat and promises of pain. I turn around, meeting her gaze directly. 

"What if I don't?"

Surprise laces her features, and then she glares, dark brown eyes looking at me like she wants me to burst into flames. It happens in less than a second; A punch to the face. My cheek is stinging, and when I open my eyes I see that my eyepatch is gone. I scowl, stagger, and with the momentum I draw my arm backwards, punching her back. My fingers crack and creak with force as it meets her cheek, and I can feel surprise making my entire body stiff right after my brief connection to her face. Then I brace myself, the fury in my veins making everything all too much to handle. She clutches her face, looking dazed and in pain.

I feel the string from that useless eyepatch loosening and falling. My cheek is stinging. I don't care.

I'm strong. Nothing can stop me.

Eren stares at me in disbelief, and then his face morphs into one of unbridled anger. I glare right back at him, but startle when he growls at me.

"How DARE YOU! You're one of them, aren't you?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUR FRIEND!"

 

 

I open my eye so I can look directly at him, and suddenly the world feels out of focus.

"I'm not... I... I just want to..."

Something warm falls down my cheeks, and I pull my sleeve up to wipe my eyes. Oh. I'm crying. Why am I crying? This is not how a man is supposed to cope with things. A man is supposed to stay strong, to... To...

 

"I-I'm sorry" I tell them, rubbing my eyes hard as I smile apologetically. Why are smiles so straining nowadays? Is it because I've seen the horrors of the world? The war, the hatred, the meaningless killing? "I just don't know what's going on right now."

Small but strong arms wrap themselves around my midsection, and suddenly I have an armful of soft blonde hair and thin limbs. There was always a running joke in the trainee corps that Christa was an angel who'd lost her wings, mostly because of her appearance, but everyone who had met her also knew that she was a true sweetheart. Always helpful and kind, never one to see others suffer if she could prevent it. I used to be like that, too. But I guess dying makes a person selfish, no?

I lean into the hug, wrapping my own arms around her shoulders with a humorless snort.

"I'm really bummed up in the head, aren't I?"

"Yup" she nods, patting my back in comfort. "But it's okay, okay? And don't apologize for your behavior, Queen's orders. No hard feelings for punching Ymir either, she kinda deserved it." 

She leans up and pats my cheek after a few more seconds, smiling brightly.

"Go find your boyfriend now, Bodt. That's also the Queen's order."

I smile right back at her, tentative and weird, but she seems to take it. A quick smile, a grab of a dazed girlfriend and then she's off, probably to spread happiness (or bad news), somewhere else. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why I make my characters cry all the time: DRAMA :D (I also am a massive crybaby myself. How else are they supposed to react? People like Levi are a mystery to me, tears are so fracking hard not to let flow)
> 
> And I told you not to trust me, walls, I never know when to put a jeanmarco moment in :o/


	9. INFO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read!

Hey guys!

Carpe Natem is discontinued for now until I figure out how to make an actual plot. (and maybe rewrite... bc honestly? this text leaves me in pain.) Hopefully I'll be able to actually upload stuff again soon.

  
Until then, dif-tor heh smusma!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I had so much on my plate and forgot this story existed ;^;

**Author's Note:**

> KIND OF FUCKING SHORT (Like corporal Levi) BUT WHATEVER
> 
> Hope you enjoy this piece of cra- I mean this fanfic. 
> 
> Feel free to visit my tumblr (heichouthetitan)! Like… I do nothing on it, but maybe sometimes I’ll post things about the new chapters or something… I don’t even know.


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